God i suck

im just an ordinary guy, and all i want is to be loved

So there's kelsey and nandi, right? But now there's not kelsey, right? So there should be nandi, right? So why isn't there?

I'm so fucking scared of anything. I really need to see her more... I'm just so.. well, its not scared even in a figurative sense, but i dread having to live things.. things that i want to do, even. Like writing stuff like this down. And being with/talking to/asking out nandi... I mean, I know it's stupid, and its... well, a word that I dont know. I hate my lack of vocabulary, I hate how stupid I'm becoming... I hate how I feel like I'll never be able to hold a job down, how I have no motivation to do anything that I could possibly have talent for.. i hate how I dont talk to my mom like I want to, and how I never do the dishes, liket he constant reminder above my monitor tells me. I hate how I almost felt like I was good at Tetris Attack, but have no basis for comparison, and don't like playing it on hard. I hate how I'm poor, and I hate how everyone is being more "self focused"... I hate how I get so angry and sad at things that I make up in my head.. I hate that I'm not better friends with some people.. I hate how I don't have a best friend, and only one really good friend... I hate how Quinn acts like such a prick now, and trests me as a piece of shit.. i hate how davey has become an ass sometimes, I hate how sam is graduating and leaving... I hate how I should look up things for the New York Conservatory, or chicago film schools, or anything that would help me do what i want, but will eventually just end up at U of I anyway because I'm scared of doing anything else, and scared of leaving my friends... I hate how I wait so long to read people's messages on MSN because I dont want to know what they have to say, even though I do... I hate how I'm online all the time... I hate having this incessant nagging feeling that somewhere, my friends are having more fun than I am, and that I'm missing out... I hate how i'm going to be 18 this year, even though 11 and 13 were the best ages, and i knew it at the time... I hate how I dont feel that I really want to be in a relationship half the time, and the other half just the opposite... I hate how I can't spell... I hate how I can't talk to

FUCKING ANYONE

even if I really want to... I hate how I womanize some girls, and how i'm an asshole to astred sometimes... i hate how i'm so emo, yet i dont even feel it... i hate that i just used the word emo.. I hate having to only hope that Collin and i are going to make a movie this summer... I hate how news doesnt happen on the weekends... I hate how I have a bunch of relationships that just seem mocking or sarcastic - maitraeah, diana, astred, etc... I hate how I don't feel emotion anymore... I hate how i suck at tetris, and at games in general... i hate the thought that I can make people cry... I hate how everyone's using MSN now instead of AIM... I hate how I'm not going to the Anastasia chick's prom with Sam... I hate how I have no realationship with my dad or brother... I hate how my oil painting didn't turn out as good as I wanted it to... I hate how I have to read all of Frankenstein this weekend, yet i've just put it off, and now I don't have time... I hate having a blog, and i hate having a second blog... i hate how people don't take life seriously enough a lot of the time... I hate how people seem to ignore me... i hate how nobody will just be truthful with anybody... I hate the Star Wars prequels, and I hate how episodeIII will suck... I hate people drinking... I hate how everyone seems just that much better/cooler than me... i hate having an extremely low self confidence... i, again, hate being poor... i hate how my hair is poofy.. i hate the divisions in fairfield, and in the world.. i hate igonorance, and bigotry... i hate how it never rains warm, here... or how it never seems to pour... i really do fucking hate how people want to "self focus", those bastards... i hate how i'm never going to amout to anything in life... I hate Austin and Caleb Kruse... i hate it how people don't seem to consider me when they do anything, even if they have no reason to... i hate how NOBODY WANTS TO BE WITH ME... i hate that i think that... i hate MTV and Vin Deisel... I fucking hate blogs... I hate how Voorhees kicked talon off campus the other day... i hate how I never say anything at lunch to anyone... i hate how i'm too lazy to make myself lunch in the morning... i hate that i eat too much... i hate how i don't like so many people... i hate how i'm afraid of living.. i hate fucking cold sores.. i hate how mark hammill never had a real career after Star Wars.. I hate Jon Peters... I hate how I feel like everything is slipping away from me.. I hate George Bush and his war... I hate how I have to mow tomorrow... I hate how i censor myself so much.. I hate being so hairy... I hate having to shave... I hate how nobody EVER seems to ask the right questions to me, even though they seem so obvious to me.

I love when Zoe gives me that look she seems to give me, and that it just makes me feel kind of special even though she doesnt care at all... I love how Alex is coming back into town for the summer.. I loved it when astred smeared her birthday cake on my face last night... I love having the hope that Collin and i are actually going to make a movie this summer... I love how sam said that the Anastasia chick asked especially for me to go to prom with her friend... I love my sense of design and style... I love the new batsuit for Batman Begins... I love thinking of myself in Truman's shoes when the rain begins on him, then starts pouring after he has fun with it in Truman Show... I love wanting to be a father... I love drawing.. I love Jesse so much.. I love how he seems so human.. I love me as a child.. I love my music... I love my musical and movie tastes... I love how corey is so confident in himself... I love at least the ideas behind the script right now, even if it could be better... I love hanging out with Hosbond - hes kind of like a non-asshole quinn... I love relating to movies... I love it when I like something about myself, if even for just a moment... I love how I have a home at school, in hosbond's room... I love it when people seem to care about me... I love talking to people who don't know me very well, but like my company...


I don't really know how I got onto that, but.. I did. And it felt nice to get some of that. Nothing major up there, that I don't already feel free expressing. I should rant about people sometime next. Maybe I'll just mention a few right now. If anyone ever happens to read this, just remember, im not doing this because these are significant people and you arent.. it's just that I have something to say about them right now.

Diana - God, she's sexy. I mean, not in a way that I'd want to date her or anything, but.. she just has this thing about her. I mean, on the attractive ratings, shes only like a... 7 hot, 5 beautiful, 6 pretty... but she's a fucking 9.6 sexy. It's just something about her. It must be the chub, heh.. But.. BAM.. if only. But, she is sam's sister. But, she's really cool. If only most of her friends didn't suck, and she didn't drink. Oh well. Life lesson: nobody will ever be exactly how you want them to be.

Katie - I hate people like her dad. I just... hate them. Don't know why those people arent on my list up there... anyway.. Katie's going to be completely fucked up by her dad if she doesn't assert herself enough, or rebel, even. She seems like a really cool person, and a lot of her qualities, when you dont look at the details, remind me of a me when i was a freshman. If only she didn't have her dad, she might be able to become a really cool person (not that she isn't now, but.. she just can't get out of her shell)... It baffled me how she couldnt open up at dead poets..

Justin - Man, my opinion of him has really improved over the past schoolyear... I thought of him just as one of Steve's annoying friends for so long, then he was in Readers Theater and he wasn't really too present.. then.. i dont know, i guess i hung around with him more and he's actually really cool... I just wishe that Tyler, Shane, whatshisname, and.. the other annoying people wouldnt be around him.

Steve - Really cool guy. I don't think I've really ever said that. Steve is just... well, Steve. I don't know how to explain it, other than using the words "cool" and "steve" again.

Maitraeah - ..What? I'm confused by her. She's one of those mock-people i was talking about earlier. Everything I say/do with her just seems as if it's all just a big joke. Like, nothing is sincere or real. Any time i'm listening to her, even if im interested, i put forth an air of mock-interest... She really makes me feel good sometimes, because, even if we never do, every once in a while she'll say that she wants to hang out with me sometime. It just makes me feel specail for a minute.

Wilson - Why am i such an ass to him? He's pretty cool, i guess, but i just am always an ass to him. But, he's moving away after this schoolyear, so.. oh well.

Tiffany - Hopeless? Not in a bad way, though. She's determined not to change to fit anyone's wants or needs, which is great for her. But not so much for anyone else around her.

Talon - What the fuck? Honestly.


so i guess that's it for now. I should have been offline 17 minutes ago and in bed.. actually, i suppose 47 minutes ago, but.. oh well.