God i suck

It makes sense that it should feel this way
That you slowly fade, and yet still remain
As if you say
Everything matters in such an invisible way
As if to say its okay...

Well, my night has come to a close. And FUCK I wish it hadn't. It was my best night in over a month. I know that's not exactly true, but... Goddamit, it was good.


Spiral of Shit indeed, Talon. Well said. I realized after I left that I have been hit by it not the 3 times that I had thought of previously before, but instead 5.

1. The obvious; Nandi
2. Friends drinking
3. Distancing from friends; being left out
4. Collin
5. Fuck.. something else. I don't recall right now. But I don't suppose that matters, does it?


So Nandi and I were left on the stairs tonight. Alone. She was looking at me. I looked away. And back. And she was still looking. And I looked straight into her eyes, meeting her gaze. And she asked me how I was. I thought for a moment, not knowing how to put it into words. Trying not to make it sound as bad as it is. So I thought back to what I said to Gemma when she asked. "I'm... different."

So she comes to hug me, but she's too far up. So she says that that wasn't working, so she came down a step. And it was real. Like everything with her. It's so real. I don't know how to describe it, but anything with anyone else I've always got the thought in my head about it being like a movie or whatever, but.. it isn't with her. And I don't get it.

But the hug... well meant, but I can't help thinking that it felt a bit cold. Not close enough, not tight enough. I moved my finger on her back as if to comfort her (or at least, thats the only other time i use it is when i'm comforting someone... or being affectionate :/ ), and thought soon after i did that i shouldn't be. So I stopped. And i held her close, but.. not close enough for what I wanted.

And she kissed me on the cheek. And I melted. And it was all gone, for a moment. Everything bad.

But the rest of the night with her was much more comfortable. Which, is, of course good. Good enough, anyway. Good enough to settle for. Which isn't the worst thing in the world. But it's pretty far from the best.

So who knows. It'll probably be better. Hopefully, i suppose.

And I had to leave. It was 1:30, and I have a fucking curfew. But i figured i could be a bit late. That is until i heard Nandi coming down from upstairs. And me, being the hopeless, clueless romantic thought that maybe, just maybe.. if everything went right, went perfect.. That I would say goodbye. And she would ask to walk me home. But i said goodbye, and she asked "You're leaving?" in a sort of.. quasi-questioning, quasi-"oh, you're leaving? :/" voice... And i just looked at her as i fumbled for the doorknob. And she glanced at me, and i knew the look meant she had already said goodbye in her own way, and i left.

And as I rode my bike home, there was the little bit-actually, the far too large big-of me that thought that maybe, just maybe she would drive after me; come to pick me up. Talk to me. Be with me. And there's the part of me.. the broken, dead, hopeless part of me that looked out of my window a minute ago and thought "maybe that's her.. maybe she's coming to talk..."

But unfortunately the rest of me is a realist. And I'm just.. saddened.


Earlier in the evening, Andrew and Jed came over. My mom told Andrew about my grandpa in the kitchen while Jed and i were in my room. Andrew came in and commented on it, saying that he'd had discussions with other people on my emotional state lately, and obviously connected the two (falsely) in his mind. And that makes me think... how many people know about Nandi? Did Jim? Or did he hear about my grandfather?

Regardless... sweet of Andrew, although misguided. Talon obviously knows. Gemma knows, and I can assume Jenny knows. And if they know, can I not also assume that Quinn knows? ...oh well.

I let Talon punch me earlier. Not too hard, of course. And only a 3-inch punch, but... It felt good in that sort of sick, self-depricating way. I mean, if you can't bring yourself to self abuse, surely having someone else hurt you isn't the same thing, right? Right?


..she makes it far too hard for me to hold any ill feelings.
Which I guess, technically, is the best possible thing for me. But it sure doesn't feel like it. Sigh.